So many things happened back then. My dad got a surgery again, the family ran out of money, my rich aunt stopped her financial help for me *i don’t know why she did that. argh that old emotional easy-to-bootlicked bitch* Perhaps my big cousin was affecting her to stop giving money to the needy ones. *if it really was, he’s a BIG shit!*. Another story, my friend got heartbroken with his crushed. Nah, now he felt it and he became angry to his crush. Then I realized that it wasn’t love, if it was love, he wouldn’t be upset or angry to his crush. In fact he wanted that girl to fulfill his desire but he covered it and mentioned it as love, affection, like, bla bla bla….. *you’re a bad ass, dude!*

Continuing about what happened, I got a disgusting classmate. She totally dominates all of our conversations, gotta admit she is loud and fun but when she happened to dominate all talks, conversations and jokes… she’s not that fun anymore. A bitch really have to learn how to talk and not to cover up all talks among friends to her wants. Besides it is hard to cooperate in group research with her. Geeeees….. why don’t gimme a better beautiful girl mate or at least a smart boy to be in my group?

Else. My friend had crushed on a man which is not attractive at all and a damn smoker, and I can never understand why she wud fall in love with that kind of man. (*.*) But I won’t interfere between those two lovey-dovey couple. Their lifes, not mine.

An other shoot. The zeedee forum was off man. The admin, Mr. absolutezero said that the server charged the payment wrong, they think that zeedee hasn’t paid the fee. In fact that they have paid it. So it will need a couple of times to revive that forum again. Damn…. I feel like I am losing my home. That forum was the best, it got everything I wanted. *cliche*

I think that’s all from me. I will be back with more updates later. See ya readers. *if there were readers, because there was never a comment dropped here, unless those spams*

.:A park to remember:. 

So. I really need to practice my English in real conversation. Last time when I went to Singapore I was a disgrace. I am not brave enough to speak my English. It’s stupid that I could lose my confidence because Singaporeans themselves couldn’t speak a proper English. I don’t even know if they spoke in Chinese or English… *my bad* and I don’t think Singapore have a friendly society, they are arrogant, fast-moving and always looked busy.

*Sigh* I don’t really like it by the way. The country’s life is too fast and busy and makes me can’t even breathe. I prefer living in Europe to Asia. Anyway it is hard to visit another country without bringing enough money. Especially when there were lots of goodies in Singapore along the Orchard Road. I feel like I wanted to buy everything (bags, dress, funny t-shirts, electronics, and souvenirs) *100% tourist*

Well. At least it’s nice to be back at home.

I suddenly became not confident with my hair, weight, height and personality. One word that’s still remaining in my head, my mom said this to me, “Are you always gonna be like this? However people must look for a spouse.” As I heard those words my mind is translating that sentence into:
x. I don’t have any boyfriend until now because I am fat and ugly.
x. My mom doesn’t believe in me or does not have any faith that I would get married someday.
x. My mom thinks her daughter as a fugly creature. If my own mother thinks so, how others think about me? Must be really worse.
x. I will never get any boyfriend.
x. Looks does matter in determining wether a woman could get married or not.
x. Men are disgusting for just looking at women’s looks.
x. I have no confidence in relationship.
x. I hate those people who throw jokes at me.

A simple sentence of a mother could ruin her daughter’s future at once.

But I swear! I will forget what my mom said and won’t pay attention to what she said to me just now. I won’t get ruined just because what my old mother says about me. I should rebuild my confidence or I won’t stay alive until this summer.

It’s not funny isn’t it? Ending your life just because you lose your self confidence from a short sentence of a mother.

Stay shine, me!

Tired. I am so tired for cleaning my room all day. Geee never imagined a girl could act so sloppy and messy like me. If my mom saw my room just now, she would yell at me. Guess I am so different from my mother. Yeah I happened to have a degeneration lack of good genetics.

After cleaning my room I relax myself and have found watching streaming videos from youtube while counting down to my departure to Singapore. Ah~ I gotta pack my baggage after this and be ready for the new short adventure in Singapore. Hope I meet good people there.

Till then, folks!

I feel a bit upset with my brother. It’s like he’s getting me out of the family and making my own family turns against me. Why I must have such a big mouth brother…. SHIT!

x. I dislike him for being such an arrogant brother.
x. dislike his lies.
x. dislike his act.

But I knew that deep inside his heart, he feels afraid of me. Afraid that someday I will be over him so what he is doing now is like blocking my way. Damn!

Why it must be going like this? Brother turns against brother? just like in the Bible, is it coming to the end of the world?

oh no!

Valentine is coming. Love is in the air, but boys must not be stupid by spending their parents money for some girl.
I hate a boy who is spending money without any good consideration just for winning a girl’s heart.

The question is: Where is your dignity boy?

A dignity makes someone looks precious right? If he ain’t got no dignity or pride, he will be the same as trash left on the road. No one wants him.

So brush up your heart and self, makes yourself looks shine and precious to the girl you love.

Happy Smart Valentine.

Rant

Today I officially feel broken-hearted because someone that I had been crushed on, go steady with somebody else. Argh shit! I am feeling sucked. I liked that person since high school but then we went to different college so I stopped paying too much attention to him. I just sent that person some text messages as signal and that person replied like was accepting my signal. Then I went off to bed happily, thinking about that person, imagining if that person and me can have that special relationship. Man, that person is my childhood friend and he is like already completed almost all criteria I ever asked: smart, good looking, religious, easy to socialize with people and seems trustworthy. But I guessed I am invisible to that person. For that person I am a person that he would call if he had trouble or favor to ask. *sobbing*

I thought he was crushing on someone who is prettier than me. In fact, I saw that person’s mate today and she was nothing. I mean that person’s mate just looked plain and not attractive by picture. I don’t know about the real person. Anyway if he would date such an ordinary looking person why he never sees me. That’s just curious.

My problem

What’s my problem in relationship actually. I knew I am cynical, rude, tomboy and a bit grouchy but so what? That’s just a bit of me. I am not a type of cute sweet little girl but that doesn’t mean I am a monster that don’t know about love and care. I am a hard worker with high ambition to be successful and I care about people around me though I can’t show it directly or literally in beautiful words.

*Ding Dong!*

Seems I’ve found the answer. I am not his type and actually he is not my type. I need someone who is more mature than me who can take control of me and keep my big ambition stay in the safe level before I could burst and kill everyone in this world with my big ego. I need a person who can get out my sensitiveness inside me.

Way out

x. I should not be upset, sad or jealous to that person.
x. I should think of him as a friend.
x. I should not think bad about myself, like calling myself a stupid bitch with no mate. *If my own self doesn’t respect myself how can everyone else respect me right?*
x. I should survive to reach the top of my career.
x. Keep praying that God will get me my soulmate.

Then I believe I feel more relieved now. If it was this easy why I don’t try it since the first time I noticed his new girlfriend?

*stupid me*

The thing is the relationship between me and my mom. I think of her as a dam person that very arrogant and so hard to listen to me (her youngest child). Even when I sent her a greetings for the Lunar New Year she did not reply my message. I wonder what’s the matter with her.

What I knew is the thing has been becoming so complicated when my two aunts speak up by using my name. Maybe they say something that I never said to my mom and make it (by accident) like I am the one who said those harsh words and then my mom got hurt and disliked me. I haven’t spoken with my mom for weeks and my mom also weird for complaining about me by telling it to her sister in law. The problem is why she doesn’t tell me directly about her problem with me and then finish! We could be normal again.

With this situation I feel like I am okay actually but there is something sneaking beyond me that’s making me feeling uncomfortable with life. In short: there’s no peace. Because I am afraid that I might have hurt my mom but I don’t know what it is.

In fact I have bad feeling now. My eldest brother is at home with my parents and they seem forget about me. One thing that I can never understand, my mom rarely gets angry with my brother. No matter how bad my brother has behaved she just spoke about him behind his back. But when he gets home my mom will treat him like a coming back crowned prince. Well I was treated different. My mom easily gets angry or hurt because of me though what I did is the feed back of what she had done to me. Like when she was forcing me to do something I don’t want to, I fought back of course, told her that I didn’t want to. But she kept on forcing so I am human I have my patience limit so I shouted at her. Then she got angry or cried and named me as a bad child.

So what is this all about actually? Did I am an outcast in my own family or at least did my mom sees me as one? What it is. I wanna know my mom’s answer but I am too weak and too lazy to quarrel with my mom. Let the time shows me who my mom is actually.

*Sorry for I have mumbled and wrote long about this non-interesting topic. I just need and output to throw up this annoying damn thing*

Right, that’s all from me this moment. Will be back tomorrow or tonight with more ticklish topic. See ya!

What do you feel when you happen to be the second child in your house. I mean it’s not because you are the youngest, but how youngest or oldest you are, you always be the second priority in your family. In short, “how do you feel if you had a mom that care more about your brother or sister?”

x. sad?
x. don’t want to care about your mom?
x. irritated?
x. acting up to attract your mom’s attention?

or what?! Mention it to me.

Anyway, here is what I am facing of now. My mother cares about my brother more than me because my brother already earned some money *which makes me think bad about my mother* think that she only cares for my brother because she wants to get some party cash from him. I don’t know but she’s becoming arrogant and so proud of my brother which had been disappointed her and my dad a lot.

I feel sad about it.

*can’t write my mind is spinning and I am so tired with it.